Too Short

If you ask to hold my baby and notice a flash of wildness in my eyes and notice my mother arms clutch a little tighter, don't take it personally.

I'm in a soaking-in-the-sweetness moment.  

Call it apronstringitis that struck really early.  The 3-6 month clothes are waiting in the wings.  I'm pushing those away, but it's a battle soon lost.  Tomorrow he'll be bigger.  He's growing.

These feelings also strike at night when I've been up taking care of him and the bed calls.  It will be one of those wee morning hours.  He'll be fed and asleep.  We could get back to bed, but his babyness has a firm grip on my heart strings.  It's quiet, no one else is vying for their turn, and I can enjoy the moment.

Or two or three.

I love it.

Eventually the voice of reason starts talking, whispering things about extreme tiredness and the list of to-do's for the next day.  Since I'm already sleep deprived, the voice eventually wins, but not without a battle.  At least I've had my moment. 

Not that I don't also love watching others enjoy him, especially my husband and other children.  But this baby time is so short, as I've seen with my six others.

Then again, the three's and seven's and nine's and twelve's and fifteen's and sixteen's are short too, and I need to enjoy and appreciate those as well.

Don't mind me.  There's a piece of heaven in my arms.

Feet, Hills, and Rods

S. Michael Wilcox planted an idea seed in my mind in his book 10 Great Souls I Want to Meet in Heaven. He teaches that like a compass used to draw a perfect circle from a fixed center point, we should all have a spiritual compass as well with what he refers to as a "fixed foot" and a "searching foot." As "there can be no true or complete circle without a center" (2), it is necessary to find our center and keep it planted strong, reinforcing it with consistent checks of our most reliable sources of truth. Then, we can search out more truth using our "searching foot," comparing those to our "fixed foot" and the truth we've established there. Without a firmly fixed foot, it would be easy to be pulled away from our center in our search, giving us an imperfect circle or no circle at all.

While out walking one night I had this idea on my mind. It came to me that we could look at our circle from the side, and from that vantage point it could be more like a hill. That if we aren't holding on to that center, the further we get away from the center, the easier it would be to eventually "fall away" from the truth that we do have.  (This was the best hill picture I could find, LOL.)

When I was mentioning that idea to my kids a couple days later, one of them pointed out that it's like holding to the iron rod. That again, if we aren't holding to the word of God, we can easily be pulled away to the mists of darkness and great and spacious buildings. (So blessed to have smart kids that teach me too!)

Tying again to Lehi's vision, when we stay by the tree, centered in the love of God and our love for Him (the first commandment,) we can choose better and love others (the second commandment) better.

Our scripture reading yesterday in Alma 30 brought in that idea yet again. After a terrible war there began to be "continual peace." "Yea, and the people did observe to keep the commandments of the Lord; and they were strict in observing the ordinances of God" (v. 3). Apparently they were very good people, but when Korihor comes to visit a couple verses later, he causes all kinds of problems, knocking many people off their center. "And thus he did preach unto them, leading away the hearts of many, causing them to lift up their heads in their wickedness, yea, leading away many women, and also men, to commit whoredoms" (v. 18). I have to wonder if they questioned his words much. They were doing right and good before he came, but for whatever reason were quick to listen to and quick to believe Korihor's words over what they have been taught and what they had been living.

Yet when Korihor moved on to the people of Ammon, "they were more wise than many of the Nephites; for they took him and bound him, and carried him before Ammon, who was a high priest over that people. And it came to pass that he caused that he should be carried out of the land. And he came over into the land of Gideon, and began to preach unto them also; and here he did not have much success, for he was taken and found and carried before the high priest, and also the chief judge over the land" (v. 20-21).

How terribly sad that the first group was so easily swayed, but how excellent that the second and third groups were so quick to identify the errors and not even tolerate it being in their midst. Had the first group not been tried much? Had the second and third realized the blessing and comfort that comes through having that firm foundation? Something I want to keep thinking about. But regardless, their center was firmly planted, they recognized untruth when they heard it, and they got rid of it, not wanting his words to become part of their circle.

It's interesting to note that later when Korihor asks for a sign to know there is a God, "Korihor was struck dumb" (v. 50), essentially getting rid of the tool he was using to lead away the people.

Studying great people throughout history and the world has been a wonderful journey, seeing like Wilcox that "our Father in Heaven is a light-giving God and dispenses it as widely as the stars." And thankfully so! But Korihor's story is a great reminder to keep my center firmly planted, continually strengthening it with the teachings of Jesus Christ and his prophets and apostles. In the long run, I think I would rather be accused of having a circle that was too small but deeply founded in truth, than one so far reaching I allowed untruths to sneak in.

(Today's reading in Alma 31 brought similar thoughts, only this time pride was definitely a factor. Hmm...)

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I used this during a Relief Society lesson, and my good friend mentioned that when I drew the hill with a person holding to a pole on the top, she was waiting for me to add a flag to the pole, like Captain Moroni's Title of Liberty, waving it high for all to see, THIS IS WHERE I STAND.  Excellent!

Plus, while thinking about that hill, I thought of the saying "going to die on that hill."  I looked it up.  

The expression comes from military tradition that it is always in the defender's favor when battles are on elevated terrain. Before air warfare, one had to overcome an enemy's defenses, and that was worse while at a height disadvantage. Many military battles became slaughters when commanders forced their men to take heavily fortified hills. Conventional military wisdom is that hill battles should be avoided if at all possible, the cost in men generally wouldn't be worth the fight. When a commander was ordered to take one they would often question the rationale, "Is this a hill worth dying over?"

I love the added visual there - being up on a hill, standing tall for my beliefs, and that it's much harder to be defeated when you're on the top.

So very basically - shoot for the center to keep yourself centered!

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Another inspiration from this idea.  Standing feet can be as small as a sapling or as giant as a sequoia.  To me, the most important thing isn't how big they are, but that they stand.  Even big trees will fall.

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Here's another insight into being centered well, using a potter's wheel. 

https://vimeo.com/208981025/cabb53d521

To Last Forever

One morning last week I woke up at 4:30 am, wide awake.  When I realized I wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon, I pulled out my phone, glanced at my e-mail quick, then remembered a talk I've been wanting to reread -- Sister Linda Burton's talk on "The Power, Joy, and Love of Covenant Keeping."  

But I really didn't get very far into it before my mind turned specifically to the marriage covenant, and I went searching on my Gospel Library app for a talk on that instead.  I found one called "Eternal Marriage" by F. Burton Howard that I dove into.  It's a good one, and I was reading and highlighting away till almost the end, when I hit what I was woken up at 4:30 am to be taught.

Elder Howard led into it with a story about their silverware, and how over the years his wife carefully cared for it, to the point that he was thinking she was a little over the top over this silverware.  But then he realized,

If you want something to last forever,

you treat it differently.

My eyes stopped there, the Spirit teaching me.  I thought first and the most about my marriage, and eventually about my children.  Words came to mind like a list from the Family Proclamation - love, respect, compassion, forgiveness, trust.

And accompanying that, the desire to be better.

I finally pushed myself to continue in the talk.  "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.  You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."

Beautiful.

In our homeschool group we've been memorizing Doctrine and Covenants 6:33, and that came to mind.  "Fear not to do good . . . for whatsoever ye sew, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sew good ye shall also reap good for your reward."  That first word, fear, is sadly powerful in the wrong way.  Sad that the desire to do good can so easily be derailed, even within a family.  Laying there in bed I made some immediate commitments to myself with some specific ways to be better.

I'm so incredibly grateful for a Heavenly Father that cares enough about making sure I got this precious message that He sent it when things are quiet, even if it meant missed sleep for me.  I've been so blessed with  a wonderful husband and family.  They are the joy and the greatest work of my life, the things that more than anything I want to last forever.

Hard vs. ... Yep, Hard

(I need to stop writing out posts and forgetting to reread the next day before publishing.  Just found this one waiting from 6 weeks ago.)

I really am not one to complain, specifically at least, but this pregnancy has in many ways been much harder than any of the others.  At almost 28 weeks, I still have a lot of uphill to go.  I don't like thinking about myself and coddling myself, and it looks like I'm going to need to do that even more.  I've already been wearing support hose on one leg from pretty early on because varicose veins went nuts.  Now, after a 4th glucose tolerance test (we're not even going to talk about that), my doc's office called to say some of my numbers were high and they want me to talk to a dietitian to "help me out."  I'm feeling fine, thanks, no help necessary.  But the appointment is set, and I shall be dutiful and go.  I know I also have plenty to look forward to, like my standard super achy ribs on my right side.

But this too shall pass.

After all, it's this little friend currently giving my lots of kicky hellos I'm doing this all for, right?  (How I wish there was a window to peek in and see what is poking me, because we sure are active tonight.)  Trying, really trying to keep my mind busy elsewhere and keep perspective in mind.

Plus, plenty of people have a way harder time at this than I do.  The only time I've even really felt sick during this entire pregnancy was when I puked my 2nd glucose tolerance test (wait, I wasn't going to talk about that.  But really, regurgitating super sweet syrupy test beverage is not something I would EVER care to repeat, making tests 3--the retake--and 4--12 weeks later--seem like momentous accomplishments).

Yesterday evening, I happened upon this little gem:  "You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make" (Gordon. B. Hinckley).  Looking at my 6 other children, I have to agree with him.  Not that I don't still have my sacrifices for them, but the gifts they possess are amazing.  Even the drive-our-mom-crazy talent that some of them have in such abundance.  :)

Trying to enjoy the journey.  With all the extra issues this round, I feel like my body is resigning its creation job, probably leaving what's left of my mind to do the creating from now on.

Broken

I've been feeling extra broken lately, a cracked pot for sure as my good friend would say.  Good to read this in a talk from Jeffrey Holland called "The Inconvenient Messiah" when he was president at BYU, although this part was actually given by his wife, Patricia.  Just before the quote below she said, "I guess what I've come here to tell you today is that God uses broken things."

"It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. . . . it is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever." ["Broken Things," an excerpt from Vance Havner, The Still Water (Old Tappan, NJ: Flemming H. Revell, 1934). Quoted inGuideposts, October 1981, p. 5]

There's just something about being 7+ months pregnant, hormonal, and tired that shortens patience.  Doesn't help that while getting ready for a new little one, I'm feeling like some of my olders are leaving for the big bad world like yesterday, but I haven't filled my full responsibility for them yet.  So that adds additional stress.  Sigh.

But Sister Holland's message was that "God uses broken things."  In preparation for my lesson last Sunday, I used two stories of broken people that did some beautiful "unbreaking."
-- Elder Christoffersen's mother (story towards the end of this talk) - She was obviously very broken from surgery, to the point that she was on bedrest for almost a year.  How mentally broken would she feel as well?  And then another broken woman is brought to her???  And yet, she is able to still lift another life.  Really, they lifted each other.
-- Susan Easton Black and her visiting teacher - In the story told at the beginning of this talk, there are again two broken people that are able to help and care for one another in a really big way.  Her talk and the story start at about 3:40.

I guess what I'm learning is that when I'm broken, I need to understand the potential for purpose in that.  Does it make me want to work harder?  Serve more?  Rely on the Savior more?

Like President Holland talked about in the talk above, "It seems no worthy accomplishment has ever come easily for me."  [Makes me reevaluate the worthiness of my "accomplishments."]

"As you invest your time—and your convenience—in quiet, unassuming service, you will indeed find that 'he shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up' (Matthew 4:6). It may not come quickly. It probably won’t come quickly, but there is purpose in the time it takes. Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well."

And, "If for a while the harder you try the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived."

Hopefully in the end, this broken pot will have created something beautiful.

Giving It Up, or Expanding It Further?

I wrote this for the front page article of our homeschool group's newsletter.  We have a principle each month that we try build and expand on throughout the month, and in October we'll be talking about liberty (read through the definitions there, it's beautiful).

       I read an article yesterday that infuriated me.  Essentially, it was talking about how psychologists will have new guidelines stating that adolescence continues up to age 25.  The article includes statements like, "The idea that suddenly at 18 you're an adult just doesn't quite ring true.  My experience of young people is that they still need quite a considerable amount of support and help beyond that age."  The article mentions someone else talking about how 25-30 year olds living at home need to "do their own washing . . . [and] take responsibility for cleaning up their bedroom."

       Are you upset yet?  Let's compare that with another statement given a year ago.

       I'm sure all of you remember President Monson's announcement that the missionary age would change to 18 for young men and 19 for young women.  But maybe you don't remember what he said about those that had already served beginning at that age.  "Their mission presidents report that they are obedient, faithful, mature, and serve just as competently as do the older missionaries who serve in the same missions. Their faithfulness, obedience, and maturity have caused us to desire the same option of earlier missionary service for all young men, regardless of the country from which they come."  Did you catch that?  All the great qualities exhibited by those young men made a difference to the rest of the young men in the entire church.  Because of them, even more great young men and young women are going out into the world to share that greatness.

       Back to the first article.  Apparently there are a whole lot of people in the world exhibiting quite the opposite of what those mission presidents were seeing.  It doesn't list any specific qualities in that article, but taking the opposite of what President Monson said, I imagine they were disobedient, unfaithful, immature, and incompetent in the things they are asked to serve in.  It makes me angry to think of those young men and young women changing the world in that way.

       How grateful I am to associate with the kind of youth President Monson was talking about!   Rather that allowing people to limit your liberty because of your behavior and choices, continue to be the kind of youth that not only expands your own freedom—to be, to do, to give, to share, to build—but expands freedom for others as well just by being who you are.

Is it coincidence that these are almost exactly a year apart from each other?  Adam gave the family home evening lesson tonight on the prophet, and had several scriptures that we read and discussed together.  I can't remember them all, but I already had the things above on my mind and the first one we read applied directly to this.  I kind of took over the lesson for a bit with a minor bit of ranting, and my testimony of the prophet.  It was great using this example and others, like the Proclamation on the Family, where we received direction from our prophet that directly apply to things coming in the future.  A wonderful evening of discussion and testimony.  (Wow, it sounds tons better when I write that out and don't have video of the actual craziness the evening was).

Sources:

BBC News Article "Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?" Sept. 23, 2013

"Welcome to Conference," Thomas S. Monson, Oct. 6, 2012

Should I Be Fired?

During the same sacrament meeting referenced here, a speaker told a story he said he hadn't planned on sharing, but he did because I was there and needed to hear it (it was too perfect to not just be for me).

He owns a business and has a few employees that work for him.  Generally things run really smoothly and go really well.  He hired someone a few months back that he really liked, but this guy just wasn't up to par.  He would come to work late, take long lunch breaks, and leave early.  The boss tried to talk to him about it, but it never changed and he eventually had to fire him.  He said it was a really hard thing to do because he did really like him, but he couldn't trust him to do the work he'd been asked to do.

(I know you're getting this already.)

He likened that to our work in the kingdom.  What kind of work do we do?  Are we the kind of person Heavenly Father can trust*?  Do I leave work early or come late?  Do I take long lunch breaks?  Is He going to terminate me, with reason, and hire someone else to do work that I was called to do?

I really am trying to make more efforts on this project.  Part of that is putting my home more in order so I can work on it without feeling like I have a hundred other things pulling at my mind (because try as I might, I can't seem to get my cupboards and closets to clean themselves out), but also putting more time into working on the project, and praying for His help before I go to work on it.

I don't want to be fired.  I don't want to feel like I failed by not following through.  I want to build the kingdom, even in my own small way.


* Which brings me to a quote that I love love love.  "If you then go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to find that He has come to trust you" (Henry B. Eyring).  Isn't that beautiful?

What If the Stories Were the Same?

Another mental kick...

I had come up with the idea for this "project" I think a couple years ago, but felt like it was time to start working on it early last September, the same day I felt like I should volunteer to teach all those men.  Thinking about that day recently, I had the thought, "What if the stories were the same?"

Story 1 (the volunteer one) - I felt like I should do it.  On the way home I e-mailed an "I'll do it message" (I wasn't driving) and upon hearing that those in charge were good with that, I put together a monthly plan in excel for pretty much the entire next year, and had my first meeting a few weeks later.  The second month was a really tough one, but when it was over I wrote in my journal, "I think I can do anything!"

Story 2 - I felt like I should do it.  The feeling wasn't as strong, so I packed the idea away for a while, more as an "I'll get on that as I can."  Nudges would come here and there, and I would write posts like the link above mentioning some of those nudges (and now more posts about even more nudges), and yet the first stage of that project is only just over a fourth done.  I have thoughts in my head of a few particulars that will need to happen in the process, but it's not written down anywhere and I don't have a clear vision just where I'm going with it (part of that I hope will come as inspiration, but maybe that's an excuse too).

Story 1 is very driven, with a specific plan, goals to look towards, and something I really put effort into and worked towards.  It's very easy to see that Story 2 is a plan to fail.

So what if the stories were the same?  What if Story 2 read more like Story 1?  After all, as much as I can, it's up to me to write my own stories.

A YEAR FROM NOW, YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD STARTED TODAY.

Hard vs. Easy

I keep getting mental kicks about a project I should be working on, all in very good ways.

Sitting in a sacrament meeting almost a month ago with two rows of boys from a National Youth Leadership Training staff, something was said that made me think about hard vs. easy when it comes to promptings from the Lord.

I think our own definitions of each of those would be different.  For instance, early in this year we felt like it was suddenly time to have a 7th child, and at this point I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant.  September of last year I felt prompted that I should volunteer to be over something that involves men almost entirely (once in a while there are one or two women).  I acted on that right away, and while I don't know all the reasons, I feel like I've glimpsed a couple and it's been a good experience.

To many, both of those might seem pretty hard, but they have both been easy for me (so far - baby is still in utero of course).

So this other project (that I will continue to be vague on, the reason I'll use being so this is more personally applicable to the two people who will read this) for whatever reason is hard for me.  I come up with plenty of reasons for that.  Like, I've never done it before.  But I've never had 7 children and I had never done the other volunteer thing either, so not a good excuse.  Another excuse - I can't see the whole picture to know all the steps.  With the volunteer example I did feel like I was also inspired with plans I could use, and while that would also rely on those attending, I just felt it would happen.  Baby, well, at this point they don't have a place to eventually call their own, although I figure if that doesn't totally happen before birth, he/she will be close in our bedroom for a few months at least anyway.  And again, I just feel like it will work out.  With this other project, I don't feel like I have a grasp of a whole lot of steps, or that feeling like it will just work out.  I keep telling myself I need to get to the edge of the light that I can see and I'll be shown the next steps, and I guess that's where my fear, feelings of "not good enough," and overall lack of faith is holding me back.  Working more to forget all that and just move forward.

During NYLT I was reminded of an incredible quote, that after these thoughts just a a couple days before, struck home even more.  "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard" (John F. Kennedy).  Do the easy things stretch us?  To a point, yes, but not really.  In getting to the moon, Kennedy's vision was so great, it included using "new metal alloys, some of which have not yet been invented."  That line gets me every time.  Doing this very hard thing meant stretching a whole lot of fields further than they had ever been.  Makes me wonder how much pushing forward this one vision rippled to further other discoveries as well, and how much stretching myself will take me to other things as well.

I heard someone say once that when something is hard they know they shouldn't do it.  I don't feel that way with this.  I feel like it's something I need to put effort towards.  Unfortunately I have to keep kicking all those excuses out of the way.

By the way, lest you think I'm some kind of wonder woman thinking that having 7 kids will be easy, cleaning and organizing my home is something on my hard list.  I think anyone that has that down is a wonder woman!    Happy to say I'm better than I have been, but it's something I am constantly working on.

(For fun, here are the full quotes of the two I referenced.  I think the whole first one is especially powerful.  Read/listen/watch the full speech here.)

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.

"But if I were to say, my fellow citizens, that we shall send to the moon, 240,000 miles away from the control station in Houston, a giant rocket more than 300 feet tall, the length of this football field, made of new metal alloys, some of which have not yet been invented, capable of standing heat and stresses several times more than have ever been experienced, fitted together with a precision better than the finest watch, carrying all the equipment needed for propulsion, guidance, control, communications, food and survival, on an untried mission, to an unknown celestial body, and then return it safely to earth, re-entering the atmosphere at speeds of over 25,000 miles per hour, causing heat about half that of the temperature of the sun--almost as hot as it is here today--and do all this, and do it right, and do it first before this decade is out--then we must be bold."

Much to learn, much to do

My own snippets...

I'm enjoying having a bit of extra time.  Even little things were too much for a while there, with so many kiddo things to be thinking about and helping with.

I had noticed my Mother's Day flowers were sprouting new leaves by the time they were about ready to go to the garbage, so I saved a couple of the more vigorous looking stems.  I consulted a super plant-smart young man I know and asked him if there was a way that I could encourage them to grow, and maybe make my own rose plants.  (I should note that I've purchased and planted I believe 5 rose bushes since we moved here, and none have survived.  I seem to have that effect on many plants, which is why I enjoy things that take pretty much zero effort and just do their thing, like the bushes on the north side of our house that my husband doesn't appreciate but I love because they were one of the first things I planted here and they still look fabulous.)  Anyway, this young man taught me about rooting powder.  Up till today the stems have been in water, but I finally got some rooting powder a couple days ago and now they are in potting soil.  Here's hoping I did it right and that it actually works.

I want to practice drawing.  Two of my siblings took art in high school and they can do amazing things, so I feel like maybe I have some of that in me somewhere.  Our art projects in Vanguard this year were especially fun and inspiring, enough to make un-artful little ol' me want to do and try more.  In Webelos we've been working on our Artist badge, and we had this lovely lady in my neighborhood come to talk to the boys.  She talked about her journey to becoming an artist.  One thing I thought was especially fun was that when she was little her mother would draw beautiful faces with lovely hair and a stick figure body.  Then her mom would challenge her to finish it with nice clothing.  Our artist put together these great art kits for the boys, gave them some drawing advice (like start small, because it's easier to draw smaller versions of things), and we walked them outside for another part of the badge - draw something in nature.  They were excited to show off their drawings to her and have her oooh and ahhh over them.  Anyway, she got me thinking even more about it.  Jamie has a book he brought to our marriage (from his days working in a craft store) called "Drawing on the Right Side of Your Brain" that I started working through 7 years ago (I know that from the dated drawing attempts that were in the book).  I guess I should have kept going then, because then I could be using those amazing skills now, right?  While I was flipping through it the other day I noticed a spot where it mentions Leonardo da Vinci.  Apparently he only did art the last 10 years of his life, and he spent the first 2 of those years working entirely on learning to draw, knowing how important it was.  I checked out a book by the same author on color, and I caught this quote by Van Gogh:

I have lots to work on this summer.

Cleaning out so we can work on the basement is a huge priority.

Lots of planning for Vanguard, both for the portion I teach and since I'm the group advisor now.  That's been a lot of fun so far.  Every time the other group leaders and I meet  there have been so many great ideas and a lot of sharing back and forth.  I'm really excited for the year.

I've got a stack of books that I need to set some goals to work through (mainly for Vanguard).  As soon as Vanguard was done I started reading "Watership Down" again, but told myself I had to shoot for 50 pages a day.  The first two days I hit that.  The next few days were far more each day.  I have a few that have been at the top of my list for a few years ("Daisy Chain," "Precious Bane," and "Villette"), but there are always things that need to be done first, and I think it will be the same again with others I need to read, like "10 Great Souls I Want to Meet in Heaven" and "7 People That Changed the World" for Vanguard preparation.  I really love reading about all these greats!

I'm glad we have so much shade in the backyard.  The girls are swimming right now and I'm typing away.  Guess I need to bring my books outside with me and let them play in the water all day every day.

I've also told my girls that we need to work on some good home/work habits during the summer so when things get busy again we'll already have those in place and maybe they'll stay there.  Maybe?

Girls Aren't Scary

For a long time I felt like a boys mother - that I would be much better at boys because I don't mind rough housing, throwing around baseballs, and digging in the dirt*.  Girls scared me, mainly because of the hormonal mood swings that start way earlier that they should, and all that fru fru girly stuff.

After two boys then two girls I figured I would be back to boys again, but after delivering the fourth girl in a row and thinking, "Where's my boy???" I had a beautiful feeling a peace come over me, along with the thought that this is how it's supposed to be.

Greater perspective was built for me when I was visiting an older sister in our ward.  Well, purely by age I wouldn't think of her in the "older" category (she's close to the same age as my mother), but because of her health she is almost entirely bedridden and looks far older than she is.  She was asking me about my family, and when I mentioned my four girls her face lit up and she said, "Those girls are going to take good care of you someday."  If I remember right she has two boys and three girls, and she said while she loves being around her sons, the girls are the ones that really care for her.

The older my girls get, the more fun they really are.  I still don't enjoy the hormones - at all - but I had a great girls night with my four ladies tonight.  We've watched "Little Women" and two "Pride and Prejudice" movies together in the past, and tonight I introduced them to "Sense and Sensibility."  So fun to enjoy those goodies without the boys around writhing on the floor, rolling their eyes, or making snide comments.  And wonderful that my girls and I are building a friendship relationship with things we can enjoy together.

At the start of the movie Madeleine was super chatty.  She looked up to me and randomly said, "That would be funny if we had wings."  I agreed!

* I must say, my girls dig in the dirt waaaaay more than my boys ever did.  They really didn't seem to enjoy getting dirty.  The girls have zero problem with that.  Maybe their mom's tomboyishness has rubbed off on them too much.  Madeleine has lately even started telling me she's a scout girl and a camp girl, and that she gets to go to camp too (which yes, she'll get to when we go to family camp again).

Journeys

At our homeschool group earlier today, I overheard a few of the youth talking about a video on how Lord of the Rings should have ended, and they retold the story. At the council in Rivendell when it was decided the ring needed to be destroyed, Gandalf says he has an idea, and the next thing you know, a few of the Fellowship are at the gates of Mordor taunting Sauron, while Gandalf and Frodo fly in on giant eagles and drop the ring into the fire. Gollum dives in from who knows where and catches it, but still falls into the fire. Ring destroyed, the deed is done, and they all fly happily home.

Listening to the story, I immediately started thinking, "But . . . ! But . . . !" when one of the listening youth quietly replied, "But Gandalf would never have become Gandalf the White."

Precisely.

They all stopped, and the conversation turned another direction. But I continued it in my mind.

Gandalf would never become Gandalf the White.
Aragorn would never become king.
Frodo would never stretch to his end multiple times and still come out successful.
We never would have fallen in love with Sam's big heart.
Merry and Pippin would never be separated or find their bravery.
Legolas . . . just rocks always, but we wouldn't have seen him take down an oliphant.
Gimli would still hate elves.
Boromir would never feel the pull of the ring and realize the doom of it, enough to fight to the death to protect those saving it.
Gollum would never make it as far back to good as he did (even for a while).
The Ents wouldn't have gone to war.
The strongest bonds of friendship I've ever read about or watched would never be forged.
The four hobbits wouldn't appreciate their home nearly so much.

And on, and on. Just thinking about it all makes me want to read the books or watch the movies again to make notes on all that wouldn't have happened to make our hearts so full it overflows out our eyes when all those friends come together again in the end, successful.

Journeys aren't just about time, how long or short something takes. Journeys are about doing, growing, becoming.