Dear Visitors,

If you are coming to see me, come over anytime! If you are coming to see my house, please call an hour (or two or five, depending on the day) ahead of time to warn me so I can have it prepared and ready for you. Be sure to specify whether you are going to stick to main areas of the house, or whether you plan on following my children to bedrooms when they beg to show off their toys. I die a little inside every time my children take people on unexpected tours. I promise I try to make them keep their bedrooms clean, but we didn't realize when we moved in that our house included randomly barfing closets. The erupting dressers were purchased before moving here. The under-the-bed areas that reproduce odd toys and papers then slowly ooze out have been around a while too.

If the kitchen table is messy, don't assume that I haven't cleaned it off since breakfast, even if there is still cereal on it. Children seem to think that cereal is good any time of the day, not just morning. Sometimes multiple times during the day, just out for a snack. Then again, it could be from yesterday's breakfast... This also explains why the sink is full of dishes. We will really need to time your visit right to see the sink entirely empty. Please make that reservation at least a week in advance.

If the kitchen floor isn't swept, see above paragraph. Children don't always see it necessary to eat at the table. I'm overjoyed if I can get them to stay in the kitchen! Look closer, it probably needs a good mopping too. I start twitching if I find food particles on the frontroom carpet, which I why I think the kids are always migrating their food there. Anything to jump on mom's last nerve.

If you are wondering why you can keep your house so clean and I can't, it's probably because your children have been over here playing because you didn't want the neighborhood kids messing up your house. I think "fun" is way cooler than "clean." I've also been told that children remember the "fun" more than the "clean." I'll check on that one in about 20 years. If it wasn't true, oh well, at least we had fun.

Above all else, my children live here and they outnumber me.

Sincerely,
Marni