Caterpillar Decisions

We've raised loads of Monarch butterflies the past three years. We carefully scan our milkweed plants for tiny eggs, and have seen many special stages. Tiny just-hatched babies, shedding skin to allow more caterpillar growth, caterpillar into chrysalis, and emerging as a butterfly. So many quick moments, so many miracles in just a few weeks' time.

A couple weeks ago I realized there was one part of the process that I hadn't seen - when a caterpillar goes into a J formation, the very beginning point from "I am a caterpillar" to "I am changing into a butterfly."

The very beginning of that process involves the caterpillar deciding its eventual hanging spot, then spreading silk strands lightly in seemingly random patterns. It goes on another eating binge, something it also does leading up to that point, packing away almost an entire large milkweed leaf (the only food they eat) in just a few hours. It heads back to its spot, creates a little ball of silk to hang from, maybe eats a little more, rests for a bit again, then attaches to the ball of silk, finally stating, yes, I'm doing this.

The caterpillar I was watching had already attached its back feet, so I knew I would soon see what happens. Soon is a relative term, though - I watched intently for about an hour and a half to see the full process. That's coming from a girl that can't hardly sit through a TV show.

This particular caterpillar had chosen to attach to a milkweed leaf that was leaning at the side of a jar. It was upside down along the leaf, all pairs of feet attached. Later in the process it seemed each set of feet was holding to some of the randomly placed silk. Maybe not so random to the caterpillar?

As I watched, its body started to pulse, and suddenly its front three pointy pairs of feet weren't holding on anymore, the front section of the caterpillar hanging maybe a centimeter from the leaf, but unattached.  The caterpillar "rested" (I guess?) about 10 or 15 minutes, then again the body pulsed for a minute, and the furthest back pair not attached to the silk weren't attached to the leaf. Another long period of rest, pulsing, and another front section of feet detached. Rest, pulsing, and another back set away, leaving only the final center set holding it to the leaf. More rest, pulsing, and they were off, the caterpillar officially hanging, visually declaring, I'm becoming a butterfly. Amazing!

It took a little time for it to straighten then curl into the J, but the *decision had been made, and the J is the final show of that decision, before all the big changes start happening.  It's still another day before its skin splits for the last time, revealing the chrysalis.

It surprised me how powerful the whole experience was. So normal in a Monarch's life, so brief, so seemingly unimportant verses into a chrysalis and out as a butterfly, but really, for all of us, isn't the decision the most important point? The, I'm not going to be the same anymore. It's time to be different. It's time to be more than just a caterpillar. I want to fly!

I have to wonder if any of the process is painful - shedding skin, chrysalis, all the changes inside. It seemed changes were possibly already happening in the pulsing as each section of feet let go.

An interesting thing to note - when the caterpillar sheds that last layer of black, white, and yellow skin revealing the bright green chrysalis, before it hardens you can see various butterfly elements, especially wings and body, that just need to develop, take form, beautify, and emerge.

The butterfly was always inside.

Think about that again. The butterfly was always inside.

The caterpillar just needed to grow enough and make the decision it was time to change.

Before and after. Caterpillar to butterfly. Am I still crawling, on the ground in some aspect of my life? What change do I need to make so I can fly?

Alma 30:44 - "The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator."

Moses 6:63 - "And behold, all things have their likeness, and all things are created and made to bear record of me, both things which are temporal, and things which are spiritual; things which are in the heavens above, and things which are on the earth, and things which are in the earth, and things which are under the earth, both above and beneath: all things bear record of me."

Since that day, I've watched two others through the same step. One from the top of a jar lid, the other on the side of a jar. Both were very similar processes. I think it's my new favorite part.

* When I was talking to Sam about all I'd seen, he matter-of-factly stated, "I'm sure it doesn't actually decide. It probably just does it." Well ... so?  :)


Some other interesting links:

My favorite video about Monarchs.

Chrysalis Damage - This also leads to another page with loads of detail on chrysalis to butterfly issues.

Commitments

"God's role is a constant, not a variable.  He always keeps His promises.  The only variable is whether we have the faith that we will be blessed with miracles if we make commitments to God and then obediently do what we said we would do."  --Clayton M. Christensen

Christensen made that statement regarding member missionary efforts in his inspiring book "The Power of Everyday Missionaries," but this is an eternal truth.  If we choose to be obedient and act, we will received the help we need.

Case in point - last year I took a good chunk of the year to read the Book of Mormon.  My initial goal was to finish before Adam left on his mission, but I really wanted to make it a deep study, summarizing what I read and adding my thoughts.  That took a lot of extra time and effort, but I did it, and it's a treasure to me.

The first Sunday of the year I was sitting in Primary, and the Primary secretary handed me the Relief Society newsletter and a 90 day Book of Mormon reading chart that had apparently been passed out in Relief Society.  My initial thoughts came fast and strong, "I can't do that!  It just took me most of a year to just read it.  There's no way."  And I shoved the chart in my bag.  A couple days later I had the gentle thought, "Just listen to it when you drive kids to and from seminary."  "Okay, I can do that," I thought back.  In less than 80 days I finished the Book of Mormon doing not much more than that, just adding in other times I was alone in the car, which really wasn't a lot.  It was a wonderful reminder to me that with Heavenly Father's help, I can do things I didn't think I could.

From just the page before, "When we engage in a covenant with God that we will do something that one of our leaders has asked us to do, [and I would add, things we received personal revelation to do], and we are desperate to do what we have committed to do, God truly comes to trust us."

I love the word desperate in there.  In the chapter he is teaching about setting a date to have someone take the missionary discussions.  Not just invite, but to actually have it happen.  He shares that though his dates are set a year or several months out, it's a casual commitment until the date gets closer and he starts to panic, and that's when he gets serious, desperate even, about making it happen.

Makes me think about my own commitments, and if I am casual or serious/desperate about them.  Daily scripture study?  Personal prayer?  Temple attendance?  Visiting teaching?

Get Thee Hence!

As of today, Adam has officially been on his mission for exactly a month!  Every letter glows with his love of learning his role as a missionary, meeting new people, and growing in testimony.

Which is what brings on this blog post.  The adversary discovered he could use my wonderful son against me.

It started small.  I couldn't even say exactly what the beginning point was, so I'll just jump to the point of realization, which was last Monday, his most recent prep day.  It went like this - I hate my phone making noise at me all day, so I leave off the notifications.  One of the first things I've started doing Monday morning is turning on e-mail notifications so I'll see when his e-mail comes in.  Anticipation for a few hours, then hooray, it's arrived!  This week Jamie was even home, so we gathered everyone together and read his message.  So so exciting to read!  As we e-mailed short response letter back and forth for a bit, the thoughts started coming...

He didn't say anything about the letter you wrote him.

You aren't important to him.

You shouldn't spend so much time thinking of good things to write him, it doesn't matter.

Nobody cares what you have to say.

And on and painfully on.

Jamie headed off to work and the thoughts continued.  I started to wonder, did he even get my letter?  I had attached some pictures from the week.  Maybe that's not allowed?  Maybe he sat and read letters from everyone else and is wondering why I didn't write.  I imagined him confused, wondering why so early on in his mission his mom already isn't writing.  I sent Jamie a text about that, and he called (probably realizing something was up).  About 5 seconds into the call I was in tears, so consumed with all the negative hurtful thoughts I was having.

Poor Jamie is not used to having a fragile, weepy wife!  He did his best, and even sent Adam an e-mail (which I still need to delete) solely to say, please mention your mom it would do a lot of good.  I'm chuckling now as I write this.  He married a tough gal, and had no idea what to do with the person he was talking to at that moment.  I'm very grateful he was trying!

That wasn't the first episode, but it was certainly the worst.  Satan found a golden opening to derail me, using my motherly desire to be important to my children, and I was so consumed by it that my children at home got a cruddy mother.

Maybe the voices were getting louder and easier to see for what they are, but thankfully this time I recognized everything for what it was, and that night I went to bed drained from it all, praying for a miracle to help me close it all out.

The next morning I wrote this in my journal:

"Satan doesn't know who he's messing with.

I am a daughter of God!  I have made covenants that bind me eternally to His work.  I know He loves me, and that my Savior loves me.  Without them I am nothing.  With them, I can do anything.  My life is in their hands, to further their great work on this earth.

I may still discover chinks in my armor for Satan's fiery darts, but these will be quickly discovered and strengthened.  But still the armor is there, every day.

I am enlisted.  Battle on."

The adversary is real and always watching for a weak point. It's one thing to love my children, and quite another to base who I am on them, what they do, and if they tell me thanks for what I do.

The seriousness and strength of it all seems so stupid and weak now.  But I also recognize this battle might not be completely over.  We shall see.

"Filled with..."

In Moses 8:28 & 30 it mentions that at Noah's time before the flood, the earth was "filled with violence."  What a sad thing to look around and see that the earth now is much the same.

I brought up the idea of being "filled with" during family home evening a few weeks ago after Erin led us in talking about Joseph of Egypt.  We made a chart comparing what Joseph was "filled with" vs. his brothers.  Joseph's list had things like love, patience, forgiveness, and faith, and the brothers' list had revenge, anger, and violence.  At one point Melanie mentioned that towards the end of Joseph's story the brothers were filled with repentence.  I really liked that.

In our ward we've had some unexpected happenings recently.  A few weeks ago our neighbors had a fire in their home, and yesterday a different family had their washer flood 2 1/2 rooms in their home.  Ward members reacted quickly, and lots of help was both offered and given in both cases.  On a more personal level, after Isaac was born we got the standard 2 meals set up by the Relief Society, but then over about the next 6 weeks we received a call almost every week from someone saying they were bringing dinner.  What a blessing to closely associate with so many people that are filled with love and service!  In true "pay it forward" fashion, it makes me want to give random service more myself.

A search from this last conference mentions being "filled with the spirit," "filled with faith and hope,"  "filled with people who desire . . . to keep the commandments," "filled with potential and grace," "filled with this love," "filled with gratitude," "filled with love for the Savior and the loving father who sent him," "filled with the rich blessings of priesthood power," and "filled with love and courtesy and the spirit of The Lord."  Wow! The conference before that adds in filled with light, compassion, peace, joy, hope, miracles, courtesy, harmony, emotion, and (ha!) food.  What a great list!  

Besides making me want to be filled with all those things, it makes me think of Matthew 7:16-18, 20, which talks about knowing people by their fruits.  What wonderful fruit this gospel brings!  Gives a deeper meaning to "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteouness: for they shall be filled" (Matthew 5:6).

Broken

I've been feeling extra broken lately, a cracked pot for sure as my good friend would say.  Good to read this in a talk from Jeffrey Holland called "The Inconvenient Messiah" when he was president at BYU, although this part was actually given by his wife, Patricia.  Just before the quote below she said, "I guess what I've come here to tell you today is that God uses broken things."

"It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. . . . it is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever." ["Broken Things," an excerpt from Vance Havner, The Still Water (Old Tappan, NJ: Flemming H. Revell, 1934). Quoted inGuideposts, October 1981, p. 5]

There's just something about being 7+ months pregnant, hormonal, and tired that shortens patience.  Doesn't help that while getting ready for a new little one, I'm feeling like some of my olders are leaving for the big bad world like yesterday, but I haven't filled my full responsibility for them yet.  So that adds additional stress.  Sigh.

But Sister Holland's message was that "God uses broken things."  In preparation for my lesson last Sunday, I used two stories of broken people that did some beautiful "unbreaking."
-- Elder Christoffersen's mother (story towards the end of this talk) - She was obviously very broken from surgery, to the point that she was on bedrest for almost a year.  How mentally broken would she feel as well?  And then another broken woman is brought to her???  And yet, she is able to still lift another life.  Really, they lifted each other.
-- Susan Easton Black and her visiting teacher - In the story told at the beginning of this talk, there are again two broken people that are able to help and care for one another in a really big way.  Her talk and the story start at about 3:40.

I guess what I'm learning is that when I'm broken, I need to understand the potential for purpose in that.  Does it make me want to work harder?  Serve more?  Rely on the Savior more?

Like President Holland talked about in the talk above, "It seems no worthy accomplishment has ever come easily for me."  [Makes me reevaluate the worthiness of my "accomplishments."]

"As you invest your time—and your convenience—in quiet, unassuming service, you will indeed find that 'he shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up' (Matthew 4:6). It may not come quickly. It probably won’t come quickly, but there is purpose in the time it takes. Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well."

And, "If for a while the harder you try the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived."

Hopefully in the end, this broken pot will have created something beautiful.

Should I Be Fired?

During the same sacrament meeting referenced here, a speaker told a story he said he hadn't planned on sharing, but he did because I was there and needed to hear it (it was too perfect to not just be for me).

He owns a business and has a few employees that work for him.  Generally things run really smoothly and go really well.  He hired someone a few months back that he really liked, but this guy just wasn't up to par.  He would come to work late, take long lunch breaks, and leave early.  The boss tried to talk to him about it, but it never changed and he eventually had to fire him.  He said it was a really hard thing to do because he did really like him, but he couldn't trust him to do the work he'd been asked to do.

(I know you're getting this already.)

He likened that to our work in the kingdom.  What kind of work do we do?  Are we the kind of person Heavenly Father can trust*?  Do I leave work early or come late?  Do I take long lunch breaks?  Is He going to terminate me, with reason, and hire someone else to do work that I was called to do?

I really am trying to make more efforts on this project.  Part of that is putting my home more in order so I can work on it without feeling like I have a hundred other things pulling at my mind (because try as I might, I can't seem to get my cupboards and closets to clean themselves out), but also putting more time into working on the project, and praying for His help before I go to work on it.

I don't want to be fired.  I don't want to feel like I failed by not following through.  I want to build the kingdom, even in my own small way.


* Which brings me to a quote that I love love love.  "If you then go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to find that He has come to trust you" (Henry B. Eyring).  Isn't that beautiful?

What If the Stories Were the Same?

Another mental kick...

I had come up with the idea for this "project" I think a couple years ago, but felt like it was time to start working on it early last September, the same day I felt like I should volunteer to teach all those men.  Thinking about that day recently, I had the thought, "What if the stories were the same?"

Story 1 (the volunteer one) - I felt like I should do it.  On the way home I e-mailed an "I'll do it message" (I wasn't driving) and upon hearing that those in charge were good with that, I put together a monthly plan in excel for pretty much the entire next year, and had my first meeting a few weeks later.  The second month was a really tough one, but when it was over I wrote in my journal, "I think I can do anything!"

Story 2 - I felt like I should do it.  The feeling wasn't as strong, so I packed the idea away for a while, more as an "I'll get on that as I can."  Nudges would come here and there, and I would write posts like the link above mentioning some of those nudges (and now more posts about even more nudges), and yet the first stage of that project is only just over a fourth done.  I have thoughts in my head of a few particulars that will need to happen in the process, but it's not written down anywhere and I don't have a clear vision just where I'm going with it (part of that I hope will come as inspiration, but maybe that's an excuse too).

Story 1 is very driven, with a specific plan, goals to look towards, and something I really put effort into and worked towards.  It's very easy to see that Story 2 is a plan to fail.

So what if the stories were the same?  What if Story 2 read more like Story 1?  After all, as much as I can, it's up to me to write my own stories.

A YEAR FROM NOW, YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD STARTED TODAY.

Hard vs. Easy

I keep getting mental kicks about a project I should be working on, all in very good ways.

Sitting in a sacrament meeting almost a month ago with two rows of boys from a National Youth Leadership Training staff, something was said that made me think about hard vs. easy when it comes to promptings from the Lord.

I think our own definitions of each of those would be different.  For instance, early in this year we felt like it was suddenly time to have a 7th child, and at this point I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant.  September of last year I felt prompted that I should volunteer to be over something that involves men almost entirely (once in a while there are one or two women).  I acted on that right away, and while I don't know all the reasons, I feel like I've glimpsed a couple and it's been a good experience.

To many, both of those might seem pretty hard, but they have both been easy for me (so far - baby is still in utero of course).

So this other project (that I will continue to be vague on, the reason I'll use being so this is more personally applicable to the two people who will read this) for whatever reason is hard for me.  I come up with plenty of reasons for that.  Like, I've never done it before.  But I've never had 7 children and I had never done the other volunteer thing either, so not a good excuse.  Another excuse - I can't see the whole picture to know all the steps.  With the volunteer example I did feel like I was also inspired with plans I could use, and while that would also rely on those attending, I just felt it would happen.  Baby, well, at this point they don't have a place to eventually call their own, although I figure if that doesn't totally happen before birth, he/she will be close in our bedroom for a few months at least anyway.  And again, I just feel like it will work out.  With this other project, I don't feel like I have a grasp of a whole lot of steps, or that feeling like it will just work out.  I keep telling myself I need to get to the edge of the light that I can see and I'll be shown the next steps, and I guess that's where my fear, feelings of "not good enough," and overall lack of faith is holding me back.  Working more to forget all that and just move forward.

During NYLT I was reminded of an incredible quote, that after these thoughts just a a couple days before, struck home even more.  "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard" (John F. Kennedy).  Do the easy things stretch us?  To a point, yes, but not really.  In getting to the moon, Kennedy's vision was so great, it included using "new metal alloys, some of which have not yet been invented."  That line gets me every time.  Doing this very hard thing meant stretching a whole lot of fields further than they had ever been.  Makes me wonder how much pushing forward this one vision rippled to further other discoveries as well, and how much stretching myself will take me to other things as well.

I heard someone say once that when something is hard they know they shouldn't do it.  I don't feel that way with this.  I feel like it's something I need to put effort towards.  Unfortunately I have to keep kicking all those excuses out of the way.

By the way, lest you think I'm some kind of wonder woman thinking that having 7 kids will be easy, cleaning and organizing my home is something on my hard list.  I think anyone that has that down is a wonder woman!    Happy to say I'm better than I have been, but it's something I am constantly working on.

(For fun, here are the full quotes of the two I referenced.  I think the whole first one is especially powerful.  Read/listen/watch the full speech here.)

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.

"But if I were to say, my fellow citizens, that we shall send to the moon, 240,000 miles away from the control station in Houston, a giant rocket more than 300 feet tall, the length of this football field, made of new metal alloys, some of which have not yet been invented, capable of standing heat and stresses several times more than have ever been experienced, fitted together with a precision better than the finest watch, carrying all the equipment needed for propulsion, guidance, control, communications, food and survival, on an untried mission, to an unknown celestial body, and then return it safely to earth, re-entering the atmosphere at speeds of over 25,000 miles per hour, causing heat about half that of the temperature of the sun--almost as hot as it is here today--and do all this, and do it right, and do it first before this decade is out--then we must be bold."

Journeys

At our homeschool group earlier today, I overheard a few of the youth talking about a video on how Lord of the Rings should have ended, and they retold the story. At the council in Rivendell when it was decided the ring needed to be destroyed, Gandalf says he has an idea, and the next thing you know, a few of the Fellowship are at the gates of Mordor taunting Sauron, while Gandalf and Frodo fly in on giant eagles and drop the ring into the fire. Gollum dives in from who knows where and catches it, but still falls into the fire. Ring destroyed, the deed is done, and they all fly happily home.

Listening to the story, I immediately started thinking, "But . . . ! But . . . !" when one of the listening youth quietly replied, "But Gandalf would never have become Gandalf the White."

Precisely.

They all stopped, and the conversation turned another direction. But I continued it in my mind.

Gandalf would never become Gandalf the White.
Aragorn would never become king.
Frodo would never stretch to his end multiple times and still come out successful.
We never would have fallen in love with Sam's big heart.
Merry and Pippin would never be separated or find their bravery.
Legolas . . . just rocks always, but we wouldn't have seen him take down an oliphant.
Gimli would still hate elves.
Boromir would never feel the pull of the ring and realize the doom of it, enough to fight to the death to protect those saving it.
Gollum would never make it as far back to good as he did (even for a while).
The Ents wouldn't have gone to war.
The strongest bonds of friendship I've ever read about or watched would never be forged.
The four hobbits wouldn't appreciate their home nearly so much.

And on, and on. Just thinking about it all makes me want to read the books or watch the movies again to make notes on all that wouldn't have happened to make our hearts so full it overflows out our eyes when all those friends come together again in the end, successful.

Journeys aren't just about time, how long or short something takes. Journeys are about doing, growing, becoming.

Light

"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." --D&C 50:24

My super incredibly inspired visiting teacher mentioned that scripture while visiting a couple days ago, and we discussed a bit about light, enough to get thoughts on it tumbling around in my head, enough that I had to get out of bed and get them on here.

I know people that are "light."  Everything about them is beautiful.  They are loving.  They are peaceful.  They serve.  They care.  They lift.  They don't complain, almost like they are so busy looking out that they don't notice.  To me, they are my personal vision of Moroni 7:48, "Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him" (italics added).

One person I quickly think of was Sammy's 2nd grade teacher.  I've never seen a teacher care more than she did.   She spent extra time with him, less for academic reasons, and more to lift him and minister to his needs.  She is still deep in his heart (and mine), and when my 14 year old boy sees her, he still goes out of his way to hug her.  A couple years ago she became the principal at a school two of my relatives teach at.  Last Thanksgiving I asked one of them if she's a good principal.  "I love her," he said emphatically, and his face was lighter talking about the ways she has blessed the school.

Which makes me think about another principle of light.  A candle can give and give and give light to other candles, and nothing is ever taken away from it.  Its light is always the same.  She is an excellent example of that, spreading light almost effortlessly everywhere she goes.  It isn't her great knowledge or her resources that she shares (though I'm sure she could), but her heart.

Blessing others effortlessly reminds me again of the Savior.   A woman was healed, just by touching His clothing!

I am thankful to know many others, and I'm always seeking for more.  Interestingly enough, I've met many through different types of service Jamie or I have been involved with, church or otherwise.  From my observations, it seems to me that people willing to give a lot of time in service have more light.  Maybe that is part of the nature of the thing.  A single candle not willing to share its light (if candles had a will to decide), doesn't make the room any brighter that it's lone flame.  Likewise with a candle only sharing selectively, rather than sharing and giving freely.


Laying in bed I had a few other scriptures tumbling around in my mind that go along beautifully with this principle of light, though they don't directly mention light:

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."  --Article of Faith 13

Doesn't that just feel light?

"But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God." --Moroni 7:13

I still remember a lesson on light when I was in seminary.  We started class by reading D&C 88:6-13, then shared our light with one another by bearing testimony.  Here is just a portion of that scripture:

"Which truth shineth.  This is the light of Christ.  As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made . . . And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings . . . The light which is in all things, which giveth life to all things, which is the law by which all things are governed."

Love is light.  "And there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. " -- 4 Nephi 1:15  Those people had seen the Savior, had been around Him, were blessed by Him, and were taught by Him.  His love and light was so clear in their minds, that it directed their actions in such a way that there was no contention.  To be even more specific, "There were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of laciviousness; and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God" (v. 16, italics added).

Any of your own thoughts on light you'd like to share?

(Thanks, incredibly inspired visiting teacher, for getting me thinking about light.)

Evaluation

Today is my second Sunday in a row home from church.  Last Sunday I was sick and kept Madeleine home with me.  Today Madeleine is sick (with different junk), Erin is coughing a lot, and Carolyn was complaining about a headache.  Interestingly enough, last Sunday was harder to be home, I think because it's no fun laying around on the couch.  Today I can at least take care of my sickos, and make some bread to take to the bishopric when I pick up the other kids (they've got an extra long day today).

While working on the bread I was listening to some general conference talks.  With the big announcement regarding missionary age during conference this fall, many of the other speakers mentioned the announcement.  Conference is always a great time for personal evaluation, but knowing that I have one less year of mothering before I send my sons (and now, more potentially my daughters) to the world for 2 years, the evaluating was especially necessary.

My first thoughts were temporal - we need to vamp up cooking practice, piano lessons, and things like that so they can take care of themselves (not that playing the piano is necessary for survival, but for some reason that thought came along with those).

Next, I asked myself if as a family we are doing everything we need to do to help support their spiritual preparation.  Are we having family scripture study daily?  Family home evening every week?  Family prayer?  Gospel discussion and sharing my testimony as often as possible without overkill?

My last strong thought on the matter wasn't necessarily evaluation, but still part of their preparation.  During the announcement and press conference afterwards it was mentioned that the discussion and decision regarding changing the missionary age had been kept very tight between the first presidency and tweleve apostles, and that this was news to virtually everyone else.  I realized at some point that this announcement was a surprise to Satan as well.  He also just lost a year - a big year really - when he can turn young men and women to things other than a mission.  We all know someone where that year was the difference, right?  And I'm sure he's ticked.  I'm sure he's pulling out all the stops, and will be doing all he can to get our kids even earlier.  Time to be far more watchful, prayerful, and careful than ever.  Be the lioness, and fight.  (For some especially inspiring words about that, read Sister Beck's 2010 women's conference talk).

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind."--2 Timothy 1:7

2011 Till Now

I need to get some thoughts out of my heart.

Through 2011 until now life has been crazy.  No problems to speak of, no major challenges, but incredibly crazily busy.  I would be talking to someone that knew a piece of what I was involved with, and they would comment that they didn't know how I could do it all.  In the back of my mind I would be listing off all the other things they didn't even know about.

Not saying I'm wonder woman or super mom.  Probably just some variety of crazy.

But two big things have come to an end.  On one hand it's nice to not have the responsibility and all that being "in charge" entails, but on another hand, there are so many wonderful opportunities to learn and stretch with each.  I will especially miss all the people.  I'm very happy sitting in my little corner of the world all by myself and my family, and really probably do that more than I should.  But I love being around great people and learning from them, and both of those involved being around and learning from a lot of really amazingly great people.

Before actually coming to "the end" of each I felt like I was ready, that I had had my time and did what I needed to do.  But both endings were a lot harder than I thought.  Hard to close a chapter of your life, especially knowing that with one of these things I will never get to do it again.

I believe that this life is about becoming, so why these things at this time?  What have I learned?

1.  It's always my job to care.  I don't need a special responsibility to do that.
2.  It's far less about who you are when you walk into responsibility, and far more about who you are when you are done.
3.  It's important to have a vision of what you'd like to do and communicate that well.  If people aren't following it, it's usually because of how well (or rather, how poorly) you communicated that vision, not that they don't want to follow.
4.  It's important to get to know people.  What you see and what you've heard usually aren't the real deal.
5.  No success can compensate for failure in the home.
6.  Prayer makes a difference.
7.  The atonement is real, and helps us be far more than we normally are.

Maybe someday I'll write about each of these so you can learn too.

SHINE

Quote Currently Hanging on our Mirrors...

"You become what you want to be, by consistently being what you want to become each day."
                                                                    --Richard G. Scott

I was talking on the phone to a friend earlier and she mentioned she and her daughter want to write a book someday.  The first chapter will be "Nice People are Nice."  The second chapter will be "Mean People are Mean."  I told her that fits in perfectly with my latest favorite quote.

One Line

One line from Sister Julie Beck's conference talk:

"There is much distraction and not enough peace and joy."

Every time I hear or read that again I think, "I KNOW!" This past week has especially felt like a very ADHD one for me. Going/thinking/getting pulled in all kinds of directions, no focus whatsoever. It is not a peaceful feeling.

A few days ago I was especially disturbed by it all. Driving somewhere I was trying to think of what I needed to do to center myself, and had the thought to stop thinking about myself and think about someone else. I didn't come up with anyone until I drove past the office my sister works at and realized that I hadn't stopped by to say hi for a few months. When I drove past it again on my way home, I pulled in and chatted with her for a bit. And it helped.

The next day I was making rolls and decided that I should drop some off to my other sister. That helped too.

I can thus deduce that service is one thing that helps me feel more peace and joy. I actually have a quote hanging on my cupboard door that was put there a long time ago to remind me of this:

"Never suppress a generous thought."

My biggest distraction lately is the greatness of others. I love to read about great things people are doing because it is inspiring! But I've noticed that rather than inspiring me to be more of my own kind of greatness, I become distracted from that, wondering if I should be doing what they are doing, or kicking myself because I'm not doing what they are doing.

I was going to post links to some of those things but I don't want to.

Instead, here's a reminder for myself, even if it's only myself. For every great thing that I see others doing that I currently am not doing, or try to do but really struggle with, I know people that I love and admire that also do not have those qualities. Some of them are the very opposite of those qualities (like me), yet they are incredible people that have wonderful children and they should probably have already been translated, but thank goodness they haven't because then I couldn't love and admire them nearly as closely and easily. TA DA!!!

The lesson in all that is that I need to stop being distracted by everything I'm not doing. I was sent here with my own package of talents and my own mission to fulfill. Theirs is not mine, mine is not theirs. I need to be "distinct and different--in happy ways," not the same and discouraged. My family will be blessed when I'm working on those things, because then I WILL be feeling the "peace and joy" Sister Beck talked about, and will then share that with them.

I read the rest of her talk again and found some more especially applicable quotes.

"A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources... But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently."

"Good women always have a desire to know if they are succeeding. In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources. To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness. We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best. We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need. We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves. We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the Spirit working through us. Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly."

Thank you, Sister Beck!

Personal Revelation

I've been tossing a question around in my head for a while. I love to learn new things and want to constantly be learning and studying great books, but lately I've felt really disorganized in that. Like I had no direction, no goal, no anything. So every time I was ready to move onto something new I just felt lost as to where to go, and I've ended up reading less because of it. Saturday afternoon I was driving home from helping to paint the barn at my grandma's house, thinking about it again.

Saturday night I attended the general Relief Society meeting. I don't think there was anything said that made me think of it, but at one point the same question popped into my head, and a moment later I had my answer. I need to study things about home and family.

Before going to bed that night I took a few minutes to stare at my bookshelf and pulled off most of the books that I felt like could fit into that category. Here's a partial list:

Daisy Chain by Charlotte Mary Yonge (currently reading)

Eight Cousins by Louisa May Alcott

Jo's Boys by Louisa May Alcott

Nurtured by Love by Shinichi Suzuki

Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan

Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter

Little Britches by Ralph Moody

Five Little Peppers and How They Grew by Margaret Sidney

The Friendly Persuasion by Jessamyn West

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen Covey

The Power of a Positive Mom by Karol Ladd

The Book of Mormon: It Begins with a Family (essays)

The Book of Mormon: A Pattern for Parenting by Geri Brinley

Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinkley

Watership Down by Richard Adams

Song of the Lark by Willa Cather

Swiss Family Robinson by Johann Wyss (thanks Lara)

Like I said, a partial list. There are some here that might leave people scratching their heads but I have my reasons how they fit into home and family. It was also just perusing the bookshelf next to my bed, not all the other bookshelves throughout the house. I'll stick with these for now.

This also includes home and family skills I need to learn. The ever-hovering cleaning/decluttering skill I find so hard to keep up with, canning, meal planning, gardening, and many other skills I can learn to strengthen my home and family. All the things I'm currently a failure at. This list could go on for miles, but I'll spare you the gory details.

I'm excited! I noticed a book that I had checked out from the library recently that doesn't fit here, and I can easily decide to take it back for now and save it for another time. Doesn't mean I'm not willing to throw in other books, but that my focus is on home and family.

Direction. Purpose. Peace.

Any other suggestions for my list?

One Year at a Time

Early in 2008 I declared it the year to clear things out. No, I'm not done. In my defense, I've heard it said that it didn't take a day (or a year in this case) to get that deep, so it's going to take more than a day (or year) to clear it out. Besides the whole 5 kids and lots of other things to do factor.

Still, I got a lovely surprise about how much I've learned and how my attitude has changed when I attended an organization class Saturday put on by my amazing and talented friendKaren. I don't think there was anything overly new for me in that realm that she shared (other than another burst of motivation to keep it going), but the biggest realization I got there was that rather than feeling anxious while I listened, feeling like it was something I should be doing and internally coming up with all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't/couldn't get rid of things I didn't need to hold on to anymore, it was refreshing and exciting to be there, knowing that the weight of all those feelings isn't on me ANY MORE! That I can get rid of things and it's okay, and wonderful even! Hooray! Thank you Karen for the big part you've had to play in that, Lara for yours a lot through your blog (and a quote recently while talking to her, "Just throw it away, you'll be glad you did" - she's right), and the authors who've written books or articles I've happened upon to help my heart change as much as it has.

Oh wait, before I move on, something I did learn from Karen at the class that has already been proving helpful - tell the kids they only have to clean up the things they want to keep. Genius! I told that to my boys, and I don't think I've ever seen their room cleaned so well. They didn't have time to finish what they were working on, but I was impressed. Very impressed. I'm so glad there are so many people smarter than me.

This year, I decided back in January, was my year to learn to make bread. It took some reading and playing and messing up, but I feel very great about my bread making efforts. We make a triple batch of rolls about every week, if not more often when I'm more on top of it. I've learned that rolls go faster than a loaf of bread so I make those the most. Just easier for the kids to grab and eat without having to deal with cutting it. My learning has paid off enough that I even taught a class on making bread Saturday!

Isn't it great how learning new things pays off? If those were the only two things I'd learned in the past two years I would still feel pretty darn good about myself. A slow learner, but still making progress. With all the years ahead, if I learned one more cool thing like that every year, just think about how amazing I would be!!!

Exciting things to learn practice a lot in the future: canning, sewing, meal planning, piano (after years of piano lessons, I was teaching two of the kids how to sight read using Jon Schmidt's method and really learning it for myself!), and some other things I thought of earlier but can't remember right now.

Learned anything exciting and new lately?

Chicken vs. Eagle

*I promise the chicken theme is entirely unintended! Maybe it's my desire for chickens unconsciously waving its little hand to remind me (as if I need that - I have chicken books sitting around in various stages of being read).*

I always prided myself in school for being a top student. Unfortunately, the rewards in real life, or at least in my real life, are far less evident than an A on a paper, test, or report card. I have so many areas that I know I'm average or below average, that I know I could be better at.

I was reminded of the parable of the chickens and the eagle recently. If you haven't read this story, go right now and do it. There are lots of versions of this story out there with differences here and there, but I really like that one.

Every time I've heard that I've paused long enough to think "I want to be an eagle!" How long that motivating feeling lasts depends on the circumstances where I heard it and what happens to be going on in my life right then, but I think I'm gleaning a bit more out of the story this time, or at least trying to.

Adam will be starting up with a new homeschool group in a couple weeks, and they had a little kickoff hike Saturday, after which they got their notebooks for the coming year. The chicken/eagle story is in it, and printed on the back are some questions to ponder. Here they are for your own internal searching and improvement enjoyment:

Who has expectations for you life?

What high expectations do you need help to meet? Who is your "naturalist"?

Are there any unrealistic expectations people have for you? (yourself included!)

What "chicken" behaviors do you hold on to? Why do you hang on to them?

How can you get rid of your "chicken" behaviors?

What "eagle" purpose do you have?

If you were the eagle, what is one thing that you can relate to?

And a few others to add:

Are you a chicken or an eagle?

Isn't it time to spread your wings and make majestic circles in the air?

What's keeping you?

When is the last time you dreamed something for yourself and did it?

The questions helped me think through things I need to be doing (or stop doing) to help myself become the eagle I want to be. Chickens are cool and all, but if someone offered me a chicken or an eagle, I would take the eagle anyday. Even if I didn't get to scramble up their eggs.

And for your viewing enjoyment, a slightly different version of the chicken and eagle story told very well and with accompanying music to boot.

Ay, There’s the Rub!

At 4:30 am the night after posting that last post, I woke up thinking about another quote from L'Engle's "Circle of Quiet" (sorry folks, Madeleine is in me; plan on hearing about her for a while):

"You are basically not teaching a subject, you are teaching children. Subjects can probably be better taught by machines than by you. But if we teach our children only by machines, what will we get? Little machines. They need you, you as persons." And I quoted Emerson: "What you are speaks so loudly over your head that I cannot hear what you say."

So I know, with a sense of responsibility that hits me with a cold fist in the pit of my stomach, that what I am is going to make more difference to my own children and those I talk to and teach than anything I tell them. (156)

If my goal, then, is that my children are often coming face to face with greatness, I need to do what I can to become great. Ay, Hamlet, there IS the rub.

This reminds me of Mrs. March in Little Women telling Jo, "I must try to practice all the virtues I would have my little girls possess, for I was their example. . . The love, respect, and confidence of my children was the sweetest reward I could receive for my efforts to be the woman I would have them copy."

Back to Madeleine (feel free to substitute "teacher" with "parent"):

All teachers must face the fact that they are potential points of reference. The greatest challenge a teacher has to accept is the courage to be; if we are, we make mistakes; we say too much where we should have said nothing; we do not speak where a word might have made all the difference. If we are, we will make terrible errors. Be we still have to have the courage to struggle on, trusting in our own points of reference to show us the way." (181)

(Sidenote: I LOVE everything she said about points of reference. Get the book and read the rest.)

This "become what you want your kids to become" IS NOT EASY! Mrs. March was apparently excellent enough at it that her girls didn't believe she ever had any faults. But she is a fictional character, and you and I are not. It's a comfort to read all this greatness from Madeleine, yet have her confess things like "When I scrubbed the kitchen floor, the family cheered. I couldn't make a decent pie crust. I always managed to get something red in with the white laundry in the washing machine, so that everybody wore streaky pink underwear" (21).

I know I have plenty of areas to improve, things like personal discipline, housework, consistency, not procrastinating, housework, and housework among many other things. Madeleine gives a few others to add to her list as well. "I would, quite often, like to be grown up, wise, and sophisticated. But" she adds, "these gifts are not mine" (42). That brings out something I love about Madeleine - her word choice. She is excellent at finding just the right word, and I never would have thought of those things (except maybe being wise) as gifts. But if they are, then other things I wouldn't always see as gifts are also gifts. Like maybe the ability to play!

I've been trying to wrap things up for this post off and on for a while now but it hasn't happened yet. I will have to tie things up in another post, if even then.

My Life is But a Weaving

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow,
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern God has planned.

--Author Unknown